withered
by heyjupiter
Summary: Songfic. Scott remembers Jean, and finds a new perspective with help from Ororo. Not Scott/Ororo, just friendship.


Withered   
by Renata of Doom (renata@frowl.org) 7/2/03   
Summary: Scott contemplates Jean and finds a new perspective on things. Songfic.   
PG13ish; S/J (I guess... even though she's not in it?)   
Archive: Sure, just let me know. renata@frowl.org   
  
Note: My first "serious" fanfic, my first X-Men fanfic, and my first songfic... so please be gentle ^_^ (Many thanks to Kait and Talia for beta-ing!)   
(Lyrics are "Your Cloud" by Tori Amos.)   
  
He knew he was being irrational. Knew there was nothing he or she or anyone could have done to change it. And yet he couldn't stop playing it over and over again in his head. That day, that scene, that horrible second when he realized what she was trying-- going to do.   
  
_Where the river cross  
crosses the lake  
Where the words jump  
off my pen and   
into your pages_   
  
He still had so many painful memories of her floating around his head. In some of his more desparate moments, he'd even considered asking Charles to help him-- to make him forget her. But he never did-- because he knew it was foolish, because he knew Charles would never do anything of the sort, but mostly because he knew that as heart-wrenchingly awful it was to have lost Jean, it would be a thousand times worse to never have had her.   
  
_ Do you think  
just like that  
you can divide  
this  
you as yours  
me as mine  
to before we were us  
_   
  
Wiping away a tear, Scott stood up and continued his walk around the garden. It was spring, the time of rebirth, and the flowers were beautiful. He bit his lip, looking at the red tulips. Red like her hair, like his vision. He remembered when they had planted those flowers together-- her favorite. Scott had never really enjoyed gardening, having preferred steel to magnolias, so to speak. But he would have done anything for her, and he soon learned to share her joy in watching the flowers grow, and basking in their ephemeral beauty. Though their small beds were nothing compared to Ororo's greenhouses, they were far lovelier to Scott and Jean than anything out of the most prestigious botanical garden. He noticed the weeds cluttering the blooms, and realized that, in his grief, he had been neglecting his gardening duties. He laughed wryly to himself at that thought-- wouldn't his students be surprised if they knew that Mr. Responsible had fallen behind in something? His face sobering, he wondered if there were any other jobs he had been shirking on. Scott had always put others on the team ahead of himself, and even now he could hear Jean's voice reminding him that it was okay to take time for himself. Jean...   
  
_ If the rain  
has   
to separate from  
itself  
does it say  
"pick out your  
cloud?"  
pick out your cloud _   
  
Biting his lip, he bent down and ferociously attacked a dandelion.   
  
"You know, Scott, you'll have better luck with those if you pull them from the roots."   
"Ororo! I..."   
"I apologize if I startled you. I was merely enjoying a walk, and wondered if you might like some company?"   
  
Scott considered telling her he'd prefer to be alone, but... he'd spent too much time alone. Perhaps he **did** want to talk. And after all, Ororo had lost a close friend on the same day he'd lost his soulmate.   
  
"Yeah... yeah, I think I would like some company."   
"I'm glad."   
  
For a short while, they weeded together in companionable silence. Suddenly, Scott blurted out, "I... everything reminds me of her. I just miss her so fucking much!"   
  
Ororo gave him a sad, wise smile. "I know, Scott, we all miss her. But she lives on in all of us."   
"Don't give me that shit, that... that _Lion King_ shit! She's dead, she's gone, I sleep alone at night and you don't have anyone to play tennis with and... and no one can make that right again!"   
  
Ororo paused, brushed some dirt off her hands, and looked at him. "I **know** it hurts, and it always will. But the best way for you to... to be happy, to honor Jean, is to live the way she tried to help you live."   
  
Scott was silent a moment, blinking away tears behind his visor.   
  
"Come with me," she said. "I want to show you something..."   
  
_If there is a horizontal line  
That runs from the map  
off your body straight through   
the land shooting up  
right through my heart  
will this horizontal line  
when asked know how to find  
where you end  
where i begin  
"pick out your  
cloud"  
_   
  
She led him away from the gardens, towards the woods. Scott wasn't sure what she wanted him to see, or where they were going, but he knew that Ororo was more familiar with the school's grounds than anyone. They walked in silence for several minutes, then stopped in front of a small, twisty tree. He looked at it, and then gave her a quizzical glance. She gave him a small smile, and said "Look closely at the trunk of this tree." He did; and noitced that it was oddly lumpy, but couldn't see much significance in that.   
  
"This tree used to be two trees," she said. "But the seeds fell too close to each other, and their trunks began to intertwine. If someone would have separated them early enough, they would still have been two individual trees, but each would have been forever changed by the other. Scott... you and Jean are like that. You didn't have enough time to grow into one, but you changed each other. Jean taught you to be more open, and how to... love yourself, Scott. And you helped her have more confidence in herself--"   
  
"Confidence? Like the confidence that got her killed up at Alkali Lake?"   
  
"The confidence to save those she cared about most, yes," she continued levelly. "Scott... you have to stop blaming yourself. I know you know that, but your actions don't match your knowledge. You're not giving Jean enough credit. And you're wasting the gifts she gave you."   
  
Scott took a deep breath. "I... well, thank you, Ororo, for.. everything. But, do you... could I please be alone for a little while?"   
"Of course. Can we expect to see you at dinner tonight? It has been too long, I think, since you've eaten with the others."   
"Uh.. well, maybe, I mean, I'll try..." mumbled Scott.   
"Well, that's all I can ask of anyone, isn't it? To try? Then I shall see you later," she said, walking away regally. Scott sat down, leaning against an elderly oak and staring at the twisted tree.   
  
_ How light can  
play and form a ring  
of rain that can change  
bows into arrows  
(I found a thrill)  
_   
  
He tried to think back to what life was like before Jean. Before the X-Men. Scared of his power and of his inability to control it. It was only natural, he thought, that he should then want to keep the rest of his life in order. When powerful concussive beams lurk behind your eyelids, you quickly learn the impact one mistake can have.   
  
But mistakes could be prevented.   
  
Others mistook Scott for uptight-- "anal retentive", "control freak", he'd heard it all. But Jean had understood. Understood Scott better than he understood himself, and accepted him. Loved him. Yet she had also encouraged him to change. To share more of his wry humor, rather than keeping it inside his head, where only he and she could hear. To trust others, and himself. But she had also known that there were some things about him that he couldn't change-- and nor, he thought, did she want him to.   
  
_ Who we were  
isn't lost  
Before we were  
Us  
Indigo in his  
own  
Blue always knew  
this  
if the rain  
Has  
to separate from  
itself  
does it say  
pick out your cloud  
_   
  
He knew Ororo was right, that Jean made him a better person. It was just so hard sometimes to care about being a good person without Jean...   
  
Ororo had been wrong, he mused. He and Jean had been one tree, and now he was withering.   
  
_ If there is a horizontal line  
that runs from the map  
off your body straight through  
the land shooting up  
right through my heart  
will this horizontal line  
when asked know how to find  
where you end  
where I begin  
"Pick out your  
cloud" _   
  
Well, he thought... I can either let myself wither, or I can start to regrow myself. He knew it wouldn't be easy. But he wasn't the kind of guy who would stand by and let entropy win. He glanced at his watch annd walked briskly back to the mansion. He found a cluster of students in the living room. Their conversation dwindled down to a sterile silence when they saw him, and he winced. "Hey guys... uh, anyone want to help me out in the garden before dinner? It's getting a little overgrown." The kids looked started, but quickly agreed-- though whether from actual desire to garden or pity for Scott, he couldn't be sure. He shrugged inwardly and figured he'd find out sooner or later. In the meantime... it wouldn't do for the tulips to wither. It wouldn't do at all.   
  
_ If the rain  
has   
to separate from  
itself  
does it say  
pick out your   
cloud?_  
  
-- fin 


End file.
